When it comes to relationships, conflict is inevitable. But it doesn’t have to be emotionally distressing or callous. Couples can disagree and, yes, even fight while still showing compassion and respect for each other. Relationships that can’t be saved are relationships where the flame has completely gone out, or it wasn’t there in the first place
Frequent heated and hurtful conflict is certainly not healthy or sustainable, either. You can have conflicts with your partner in a constructive way, and it may actually bring you closer together.
If you want to navigate conflict with your partner in a healthier and more productive way, keep these things in mind during your next argument:
~ Schedule a time for conflict
~ Call a timeout if you or your partner needs one
During an argument, it’s common for one or both partners to enter “fight, flight or freeze” mode, humans enter one of these modes when they think they may be in danger. “Fight or flight” refers to when stress hormones activate to give people more energy to either fight the stressor or run from the situation. And “freeze” mode occurs when a person simply does not react at all, in hopes that the stressor loses interest in the fight.
~ Make requests instead of complaints
Fights often start with the same two words: “You always.” Rather than asking their partner to do something they’d like them to do, like cleaning up around the house, people jump to make accusations.
~ Listen, and ask your partner for clarification
~ Learn the right way to apologize to your partner
Just as people have different love languages, we have different apology languages, too. It’s not enough to recognize that you’ve hurt your loved one and you owe them an apology: You have to know them enough to tailor your apology to their needs.
In closing, remember that when couples argue, we are not enemies. Even when we do not agree we are still on the same team!
HUSBAND:“Babe, I know I lied and betrayed you a few times. And, I’m sorry. But I’ve changed and didn’t you say you forgave me?”
WIFE:“Why, sure I forgive you! Forgiving you was for my sanity and peace, but just because I have made a choice to forgive DOES NOT MEAN I TRUST YOU!!!”
QUOTE: Any fool knows men and women think differently at times, but the biggest difference is this. Men forget, but never forgive; women forgive, but never forget. ~ Robert Jordan
Marriage Counselor: “Let me explain the differnce of forgiveness verses trust in this week’s post! Clear your personal thoughts on what you see to be true and learn a new outlook. Forgiveness is letting go of the past and trust is deciding a course for the future. Forgiveness is for your benefit. It releases you, but trust benefits the other person.”
The person who hurt you can try to do all kinds of things to compensate their wrong doings, but they can’t retract acts of betrayal no more than a time travel machine can cause us to unmake mistakes. The person my try to heal the damage, but after the damage is done, your personal choice to forgive is a free gift of grace that you choose to extend. Forgiveness can never be earned…it has to be given.
Trust, on the other hand is always earned. If you don’t make someone earn your trust after they have been forgiven…you may find yourself being treated like a doormat to say the least. Earning trust after a betrayal is necessary. Ya see, you can go back and forth, arguing about the betrayal, but until trust is earned that’s all that will happen….tit for tats and no growing in the relationship.
When you forgive someone, you can either start to love them again or you can forgive and let them go. It’s one or the other, but never both. Always remember that forgiveness is not excusing or condoning their actions. Forgiveness is personal closure.
In closing, never sell your peace of mind by not forgiving people, but never sell yourself short by forgiving people without consequence. When choosing to forgive, put yourself and mental health before anything else. You deserve the best for you…life is too short to not put yourself first!!!
Every year Jackie and Doug Christie renew their vows, and this year for their 20th anniversary! The Christies let the Basketball Wives LA cameras film their 20th marriage renewal, which was featured on the season finale of the VH1 reality show. The surprise wedding had viewers shed a few #RealBlackLove tears as the beautiful moment played out on Sunday night’s episode.
Is this type of devotion each year ideal or too much?
Passion in the relationships makes love sizzle and cause you to levitate above your problems. Our brains stimulate us more when we are in love or impassioned? Life seems glorious. Our problems don’t matter so much. Impassioned relationships can work very well too, but there can be conflict and problems.
Inviting More Passion into Your Life
It always helps if each person in a relationship is passionate about his/her own life, and has a good relationship with himself/herself. If you are passionate about your life, every day starts with your energizing smile. You can’t wait to get out of bed! The other people in your life feel the energy and they want to be around you.
If you are passionate about your career, you are going to bring a lot of positive energy into your relationships. That can have a powerful influence for the good on the relationships that matter most. When each person is energized by his/her work, and they feel a sense of fulfillment because they are doing something they love and believe in, the relationship is going to percolate, baby.
If you are not happy in your work, the simple solution is to get happy! Don’t accept the same old status quo of your life. Find more fulfilling work – something about which you can truly be passionate. Something you feel you were meant to do or believe in immensely.
Is Romance in Play?
In passionate relationships, people sometimes want lust or enchantment, not passion. They want passionate relationships to be characterized by that giddy state of affairs that often occurs during the first two or three years of a new relationship.
Mature relationships go through phases and changes, and the couple moves beyond the enchantment phase and settles into a quieter, perhaps more peaceful way of being together. It can be even more beautiful than the excitement of the enchantment phase, if the couple can stop and appreciate the warm glow that comes with knowing and loving each other ever so much more deeply.
Mature relationships can be like fine wine. The difference is subtle, but oh so good. Take time to find and nurture those subtleties.
Kat’s Tips – Give your passionate relationships a check‑up.
Are the two of you equally committed to it?
Are you equally empowered?
Does each partner have an equal voice?
Is your marriage set up mostly for the convenience and comfort of one over the other?
Does one spouse have more responsibility and work to do than the other?
Is the relationship fair?
Are the partners equally supportive and helpful?
Are you experiencing conflict on a spiritual level?
Is one person doing most of the giving?
By addressing any concerns in these areas, you will improve your relationship substantially an if you find it difficult to use these steps, relationship coaching may be able to help. We can talk about ways coaching can directly benefit your relationships and make you happier and stronger. Relationships that reach their highest potential give life great meaning, happiness, and joy.
About a week before this post we asked our MEN ON REEL STAFF to give us one way they’d bring passion into their relationship and our longtime friend, Emmanuel Brown of the Seeing Growth Network came up with “poetry” as a way to show his woman how she completely captivates his attention.
A special thanks E! This Poetry is invigorating…you have a lucky girl on your hands!!! To find out all about Mr. Brown, visit him at www.seeinggrowth.net
LET ME OBSERVE YOU
By Emmanuel Brown
Let me observe you, from up close and afar
Gazing through your nights at a chocolate star
If you notice, please respond with that smile
No need to say a word, your action cover the miles
Maybe you didn’t think that you could melt through my coldness
But you definitely do, with that strength and that boldness
I couldn’t say a word when you took that powerful stance
As a humbled man, all I could do is wonder and glance
You knew what you did, you know what you do
Stepping into my game and you were wearing only you
So I put you in position and I even played the center
My house, my domain, so I’m the only one that could enter
But still your game remained just out of my reach
And I found myself being coached and learning to teach
Is that why do what you do from way over yonder?
Is it to leave me in cold sweats with many thoughts to ponder?
Is that smile just a smile or is there something in between?
Are you Seeing Growth in me, or Seeing something a little lean?
Are you hearing what I’m hearing? Are you feeling what I’m feeling?
Do you notice my shivers and shakes while I’m rocking and reeling?
Are you looking in my eyes? Can you see behind my shade?
Were you able to notice the small mess that I made?
Will you remain over there? Will you return every stare?
Will you hold me incarcerated with that only you can give glare?
Are those powers just for me? Are those hours just for me?
Was is always your plan to make those showers just for me?
Do you really realize just how far you have gotten?
Do you really believe that you could ever be forgotten?
Do you understand my thoughts? Do you understand that dream?
Do you know you caused that sweat? Do you understand that steam?
Although you are beyond belief, do you know you make every curve true?
Before drain myself further….