Tuesday’s Love Jones – A Piggyback Post!


The other day my fellow blogger (Xavier Young) posted an amazing topic that got my attention. The name of the post was “How do women liked to be SPOILED??” It’s a pretty simple question, but depending on the woman you ask, there can be a countless variations of responses. The women that did answer over on his post came up with so many views that helped me to realize the language of love means so many different things to each individual. Feel free to drop by his blog to see all the amazing responses at: LOVE IS CONFUSING!

HERE’S HOW I NEED TO BE SPOILED…

RESPECT: Respect is the most important building block in a relationship. Respect is a pattern of behavior that is found in healthy relationships. You have to give respect in order to get it and each partner deserves it.

HONESTY: To deepen the bond with your partner and stay more connected to each other you need to be totally honest. The more committed you are, the more loving the relationship. For me, honesty is a turn on. When someone is comfortable enough with themselves to be honest, it makes to want to give more of myself to the person I’m with whether that be physically or emotionally.

TRANSPARENTCY: People think that transparency is the same as honesty and here’s how they differ: Transparency is a way of relating to your partner in which you reveal your inner self, your true experience. That means exposing your vulnerabilities and fears, as well as your desires and points of view about whatever issues you’re discussing. Honesty is an individual practice a person chooses to live by.

TRUST: It is trust that allows us to navigate the uncertain and complex world we live in today. With the rise of the internet, mobile phones, email, chat and social media, it is so much easier for people to connect or spend more time others without your partner even knowing. Trust to me is being able to set my watch to what I know my mate will do in certain situations. Without even having a second thought, I want…no I need to know that I can trust my man in my presence or out.

and LUST: In a prior PAWII post, we had come to realize that lust is an emotion or feeling of intense desire in the body also an uncontrolled or illicit sexual desire or appetite. READ POST HERE

Within the marriage, there isn’t a problem with lust toward our spouses, because we are supposed to feel a strong sexual desire towards them, right?  It’s perfectly normal to lust your spouse during sex, but it is also something that one should practice 24/7 and that’s just another way I need to be spoiled!!!

In closing, I have enjoyed answering the question of my fellow blogger’s amazing post and can’t wait to see what he comes up with next.

 

Tuesday’s Love Jones – From the Past to Start!


5887e4cf632122531c5e5212485eac1aI am frequently contacted by prospective clients who need help letting go of past hurts.

These inquiries come from both men and women, as the pain of past hurts hits both equally. The request is always the same…how do I let go of the past and move the good part of my relationship?

When I get these email requests, I always respond with “yes, indeed, I can help you.” I know I can help because I have helped men and women fully let go and move to greatness in their relationship or marriage hundreds of times, using the strategies I am about to share with you.

In all honesty, forgiving someone is the easy part, but forgetting a betrayal or pain brought on is the hard part. Our mind and body repeats the pain over and over and when you are actually in union with the quote/unquote perpetrator.  We get into a trauma of it all and lose our way along the way.

To help you begin to let go, let’s look at the 3 reasons you hold on to the past:

Typical Reason #1:

You are afraid you will be hurt again. This is when it is imperative for the hurt-er to become transparent.

Typical Reason #2:

You are afraid that you are a fool for staying. Continuing in a marriage after a betrayal takes pure bravery. Some people may look at you are a weak person, but I urge my clients to know that staying is where the real power lies. Side: I never tell couples to stay on a continual, emotionally abusive relationship.

Typical Reason #3:

You are stuck in a mental trap of trying to figure out how the betrayal went right under your nose. You think about past words or actions that you could have picked up on. You may even repetitively think about what you could have done differently so that it would not have happened in the first place.

When I coach clients to let go of past hurts, I work with them to directly change these beliefs and get unstuck. We work on changing the belief that it is their fault, so that they can let go of the preoccupation with figuring this out.

Then we do one more thing to solidify the letting go process. This is the thing I want to share with you, as it makes a huge difference in being able to let go.

How to finally let go:

So long as you keep thinking about it…looking at them won’t be any better for you.  Continuing to think about the hurt in your relationship puts your past front and center in your mind, preoccupying your emotional and mental energy. There is simply no way to let go while your past is hijacking your future. Your future needs to go back to being in its proper place, in front of you, so that it can pull you forward.

One direct and effective way to work on this is to intentionally create a future to look forward to. To start this process, reflect on the following question:

“What do I want now, that would bring me joy, that I can reasonably see myself creating?”

In answering the question, be careful, because creating a fairytale future that you can’t buy into will do you no good.

Create yourself a future with your spouse that you can reasonably see yourself having, requiring effort and some risk on your part. Allow this question about the future to gradually preoccupy more and more of your time and mental energy, crowding out the time you spend thinking about the hurt. Think repeatedly about the “joy” part of the question…you are creating a future that will bring you joy.

At some point the momentum of the future-building process in your relationship will take over and you won’t have to work at it so much. You will be moving forward and creating a life that brings you joy as you go.

Hope this has helped,

Have a happy Tuesday 🙂

Tuesday’s Love Jones – Don’t Ask…Don’t Tell!


Don't Ask...Don't TellWhat you don’t know wont hurt you is the famous saying when it comes to keeping secrets, but should that type of thinking be okay when it comes to marriage/relationships?

Are you feeling guilty about a past elicit affair?

Or have you done something you regret?

If you are a normal person, typically, feelings of shame and guilt are followed after YOU KNOW you’ve done something against your relationship that you know a significant other will NOT approve of.

But the real question is: should you spill the beans on cheating?  Wendy Williams seems to have her own twist on this, so check out the vid below and share your thoughts.

Everyone makes mistakes from time to time, but the “Don’t Ask…Don’t Tell” approach may not be the best.

We know things sometimes happens…for instance, a flirtatious encounter at work may have gone too far.  Or a surprise visit by an ex may have become way too intimate.

Here at PawiiBlogs we believe that it pays to come clean, but often it can lead to more problems than it solves.  With this in mind, we have developed some guidelines for helping you decide when it is best to tell the truth and when it is not.

Start by asking yourself these things:

  • Is it Possible for truth eventually come out?

Will your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend eventually find out the truth?  If your partner discovers the truth through other means such as: surveillance, third party information, or accidental discovery, the damage has already been done, so if your spouse uncovers the truth before you confess, it will be much more difficult for you to regain your partner’s trust. Unfortunately, you have proven that you cannot be trusted to tell the truth when it matters the most, so keep that in mind.

  • Will the encounter (meaning the other person involved) become a recurring problem?

Relationships, even in the best of circumstances, are hard to maintain.  As Wendy Williams stated; if you bring up every mistake you make, it can cause more problems than good in your relationship.  Telling the truth about every little thing that happens, does not always help. But, if the problem at hand is a recurring problem, then it might be wise to consider telling the truth.

  • Will overwhelming guilt effect how you behave in the relationship?

Often people tell their husbands or wives, boyfriends or girlfriends, the truth in order to relieve their guilt.  Guilt, or feelings of shame, can wear people and make life unpleasant and when partners become suspicious, it is hard for relationships to get back on track.

In fact, research shows that marriages and relationships work the best, not when everything is out in the open, but when partners think they know the truth.

In closing, we do think the truth will set you free, but at the end of the day, the choice is yours.  This post comes as a result of a client that raised the question, so we thought it was fitting to share our thoughts on the topic.

Have a happy and truthful Tuesday.

~ Katrina

Tuesday’s Love Jones – Illicit Affairs and the Presidency!


Hello All!

pawiiblogsWelcome to the first day of #PawiiBlogs celebration of #BlackHistoryMonth were we take you on a journey each week in February into what love may have looked like for black people in history.  This year we are focusing on side girlfriends and wives of past #presidents. This week, whom better to start with other than Thomas Jefferson.

Thomas Jefferson, President from 1801-1809, the impartial noblemen from Virginia who supposedly was against slavery, but still owned a large group of slaves on his plantation at Monticello, was quite attracted to one of them in particular. Sally Hemings, a slave he met in Paris and returned with him to Monticello, was a very light skinned black slave and could actually pass for a tanned white person. They had five children together from the affair, but only one them survived to adult hood. As children, they all passed as white people in the community with little trouble. When Jefferson died, he had clearly stated in his will that Hemings and the children be freed from slavery. They were freed, and the one surviving child, a son named Madison, looked very much like Jefferson himself.

Sally Hemings was a familiar example of the common practice of masters participating in secret relationships with enslaved women. Sally was 16 when she was most likely coerced into this affair with the much older man. It lasted 37 years.