Tuesday’s Love Jones – My ‘Work Husband’ Is Messing Up My Marriage!


It may be innocent but then again, you may accidentally fall in love.

At what point is your relationship with your work spouse a threat to your actual marriage or relationship? This is an important question to ask yourself if you want to keep trust and connection strong with your romantic partner or spouse, right? There IS such a thing as an emotional affair. It is potentially just as destructive as a sexual affair. The tricky thing about an emotional affair is that you may be in one and not even realize it.

A few signs of an emotional affair are:

  • Secrets about what you said or did with the other person
  • a stronger emotional bond than the love relationship or marriage
  • a preference for the friend instead of the partner and
  • feelings of sexual attraction underlying the friendship

The work spouse relationship is one unfortunate way to set yourself up for an emotional affair without meaning to.

And, here are a few reasons why:

Confusion…
Most of us have pretty clear expectations of what it is to be a wife or husband and that almost always includes sexual intimacy. When you call someone your work husband or work wife, you send mixed messages about what you’re looking for in what would otherwise be a professional relationship.

Temptation…
Confusion about what it means to be a “work couple” can very easily lead to one (or both) of you crossing the boundary between friendship and romantic relationship.

Disconnection…
The implication in a relationship like this is that you are gravitating toward this person you work with instead of toward your actual spouse or romantic partner. When you devote time, attention and energy to your work spouse, the results are disconnection and distance in your love relationship or marriage.

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Jealousies…
The confidences you share with your work husband or the way you’ve come to depend on your work wife/husband will inevitably trigger jealousy. Trust gets damaged in the process and that can take a very long time to heal.

Distraction…
Think about it this way: what happens when you have two pots of soup on the stove and you’re trying to stir and add spices to them both at the same time? Maybe you can care for them both equally, but it’s likely that you’ll neglect one in favor of the other. The soup you focus less of your attention on is probably going to burn.

In Closing…

If you’ve elected to be in a monogamous relationship, it’s up to you to choose. Which relationship is most important to you??? If it’s your relationship with your spouse or romantic partner, then that’s the one you should focus upon the most.

I am so NOT saying that you can’t make friends with or share fun and meaningful experiences with your co-workers, but I am reminding you to be honest with yourself. When you feel dissatisfied at home, get to the root of that dissatisfaction. Look for what’s causing you to feel the way you do and then communicate with your partner — without blaming — and come up with solutions that help you both feel fulfilled and excited by the continued growth in your relationship.

 

Tuesday’s Love Jones – From the Past to Start!


5887e4cf632122531c5e5212485eac1aI am frequently contacted by prospective clients who need help letting go of past hurts.

These inquiries come from both men and women, as the pain of past hurts hits both equally. The request is always the same…how do I let go of the past and move the good part of my relationship?

When I get these email requests, I always respond with “yes, indeed, I can help you.” I know I can help because I have helped men and women fully let go and move to greatness in their relationship or marriage hundreds of times, using the strategies I am about to share with you.

In all honesty, forgiving someone is the easy part, but forgetting a betrayal or pain brought on is the hard part. Our mind and body repeats the pain over and over and when you are actually in union with the quote/unquote perpetrator.  We get into a trauma of it all and lose our way along the way.

To help you begin to let go, let’s look at the 3 reasons you hold on to the past:

Typical Reason #1:

You are afraid you will be hurt again. This is when it is imperative for the hurt-er to become transparent.

Typical Reason #2:

You are afraid that you are a fool for staying. Continuing in a marriage after a betrayal takes pure bravery. Some people may look at you are a weak person, but I urge my clients to know that staying is where the real power lies. Side: I never tell couples to stay on a continual, emotionally abusive relationship.

Typical Reason #3:

You are stuck in a mental trap of trying to figure out how the betrayal went right under your nose. You think about past words or actions that you could have picked up on. You may even repetitively think about what you could have done differently so that it would not have happened in the first place.

When I coach clients to let go of past hurts, I work with them to directly change these beliefs and get unstuck. We work on changing the belief that it is their fault, so that they can let go of the preoccupation with figuring this out.

Then we do one more thing to solidify the letting go process. This is the thing I want to share with you, as it makes a huge difference in being able to let go.

How to finally let go:

So long as you keep thinking about it…looking at them won’t be any better for you.  Continuing to think about the hurt in your relationship puts your past front and center in your mind, preoccupying your emotional and mental energy. There is simply no way to let go while your past is hijacking your future. Your future needs to go back to being in its proper place, in front of you, so that it can pull you forward.

One direct and effective way to work on this is to intentionally create a future to look forward to. To start this process, reflect on the following question:

“What do I want now, that would bring me joy, that I can reasonably see myself creating?”

In answering the question, be careful, because creating a fairytale future that you can’t buy into will do you no good.

Create yourself a future with your spouse that you can reasonably see yourself having, requiring effort and some risk on your part. Allow this question about the future to gradually preoccupy more and more of your time and mental energy, crowding out the time you spend thinking about the hurt. Think repeatedly about the “joy” part of the question…you are creating a future that will bring you joy.

At some point the momentum of the future-building process in your relationship will take over and you won’t have to work at it so much. You will be moving forward and creating a life that brings you joy as you go.

Hope this has helped,

Have a happy Tuesday 🙂

Repost Monday – The Downfalls of Greener Terrain!


Have you ever heard the saying of the grass always seeming greener on the other side?  Well, in most cases of infidelity that is the overall reason for the act of cheating.

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Sometimes warnings come way before destruction even comes close to happening, but we have to heed them and act on them immediately! The first emotion that comes after having satisfied lustful curiosities is regret and despair.  In most cases that is; if you are dealing with a human conscience.

Take a trip back in Pawii time and read a story of infidelity that should not have taken place. Think it through before you make an irreversible decision. Pandora’s Box

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So, You were Cheated on…Now What???


 

A question was posted in a group of mine; a question that I think many may have, so I decided to do a blog about it.  The question was…

How do you react when you find out that your significant other cheated on you?”

cheating-spouse-425ds040810In my experience as a relationship coach, I’ve come across a variety of cheaters and cheating styles. There are those who cheat with one-night stands where there is a one-off never-again-to-be-repeated episode of infidelity. There are those who have long-standing, deep emotional and sexual affairs, where very often the individual fancies himself/herself to be in-love with someone else.

Then there are those no-sex affairs; these are close friendships with deep soul-ties which can prove lethal to the marriage or relationship even when they remain only at an emotional level. There is also what I call the classic cheater, the person that has to have sex with a different person every time they cheat; even when trying to maintain balance of a main relationship. Finally, there is that computer love.  This is sex that is aided by the use of technology and or the internet.images (5)

As long as there are rules, boundaries or parameters for relationships, people will break and defy them; that’s just human nature. If this is at all true, how then does a victim of infidelity cope?

If you’ve been cheated on, chances are you may not be interested in mental instability that it took for the person to cheat; all you know is that YOU ARE PISSED!!!

How does such a person live with the reality of betrayal, especially since cheating is evidently here to stay?

Don’t Face This Alone

Some decide that they want out of the relationship that has caused them so much pain.AskKat The hurt from the betrayal has lodged in such a deep place that a separation or divorce seems like the only viable option. For such an individual, infidelity has already sealed the deal on the question of loss.

However, if you have decided to work on the marriage and forgive DO NOT face the healing of infidelity with a relationship adviser.  The emotion of being cheated on comes in layers and you WILL need to know how to deal with it.

Don’t Plot Revenge

Deciding to do a “imam get that fool” is perhaps one of the more common and understood responses to cheating. This can be a well thought out and premeditated response or it can occur almost immediately because the victim’s hurt causes him/her to more readily let their guard down with another. Those who themselves pursue an affair in response to being cheated on, have decided to maintain their primary relationship but seek to exact revenge for being hurt.

The anger and bitterness which motivates this behavior can be counter-productive to say the least, because revenge NEVER takes the initial pain away that cheating brings.

Don’t Stay all Down

Don’t stay in a state of depression!  This can rob victims of the belief that they have the power to act on or change the challenging situation in which they find themselves. Don’t be a victim! Understand that you matter and that you are not the one with the problem…the damn cheater is!!!! Keep friends close, take a trip (alone if you have to) and do what you need to do to overcome this.  It will not happen overnight, but just keep your mind healthy by knowing that you don’t deserve this from a spouse boyfriend/girlfriend

Forgive and Move On

Forgiveness is an act of ultimate self-empowerment. It reflects the choice to extend grace towards an individual who has done us wrong. This should not be interpreted as weakness or as an act of cowardice which condones what was done. Instead it reflects an inner resolve to be free from the hate, anger and bitterness which places the victim under the emotional power or control of their partner.

Forgiveness should never be rushed prematurely. While forgiveness will not pause painful memories, it at least robs those memories of the power to control an individual’s pursuit of happiness or peace. If both parties value the marriage and want to make it work again, then choosing the path of forgiveness is the better option.

Start by reading “Kit Kat’s Coaching Guide: Learning to Protect Your Marriage” and upcoming title, “Wives Are Supposed to be Easy – Stop Making your Husband Beg for Sex!”