by Tiffany Christina Lewis
Commitment is a big issue. Or is it? Is commitment necessary in a relationship?
Before I start, let me clarify. Monogamy is not in question with this article. Do not misunderstand that. I am all about monogamy. What I am concerned about is commitment: the literal, spoken or written term of a relationship being present and all inclusive. Commitment is the thing that makes us have to break up with a person. Because we have become completely committed, we must then break the commitment in order to see someone else. This is what I’m talking about.
This issue has plagued me for some time but I did gain some clarity after reading I Wouldn’t Mind Having a Husband, I Just Don’t Want to Be Somebody’s Wife: The Single Woman’s Guide to Self Ful-fillment by Elaine Flowers (http://amzn.to/IfR0Km). The wonderful Ms. Flowers, whom I now regard as one of my favorite authors, discusses the ultimate commitment, Marriage. Her book goes into great details but in a nut shell, what I got from the book is: intentions. What are your intentions?
This brings me to my point. In the past, as I matured in a male-female relationship, I asked a gentleman, “What do you want from me?”. He told me that he just wanted me to continue being a great friend for him. Okay. Ladies, what does this mean to you? To me, this means, Friends, nothing more. Right? That’s what I heard, friend, sooo, when I started seeing someone seriously, in a committed relationship, why was this “friend” of mine hurt by that? I wasn’t being sneaky or slutty about anything because he knew full well what was going on, but still? Mixed signals, much?
Beyonce’ said if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it… Yea, lots of guys I know turned their nose up at that idea but really, really, it’s true. In my case, I’m not rushing into marriage, thanks to Ms. Flowers, but commitment is a bare minimum requirement to keeping a woman in a man’s life. I pride myself on trying to think like a man and I don’t push the issue, but if a guy is hanging on to me like a vice grip, with no sign of commitment, then I kinda wanna ask, What’s up with that commitment dude? But that scares a lot of men. It’s like they want the consistency of a cool lady to hang out with, date and maybe be sexual with, but when they get the paper: Do you want to be my boyfriend, circle yes or no… that becomes an issue.
So, to answer my own question: Yes, I do believe that commitment is necessary in a relationship. IN A RELATONSHIP. That means, ladies and gentlemen, that if you would consider your goings on with a woman/man to be serious and permanent then you should fully commit. Make a verbal commitment. If you’re just playing around then pull back on the reins and don’t act like you could spend your whole life with that person.
Commitment offers some security to us ladies. I don’t assume to know if it makes a man feel secure, and maybe someone can clarify that for me, hint, hint, but I think we should all understand the value of commitment in a relationship. Commitment is a communication issue as well. Without that commitment, it could be implied that someone is playing the field. Of course, we shouldn’t jump to conclusions, but anything that could cause a miscommunication should be avoided.
Lastly, let’s say what we mean people! If you aren’t interested in a commitment, say that! And mean it! Don’t be upset when someone finds commitment elsewhere if you haven’t committed to them. Honesty is the best policy, especially as it relates to matters of the heart.