I just got off the phone consulting a new client. Her relationship is extremely broken and she seeks advice on whether or not she should get married. I was very pleased to take her call without her significant other on the phone, because I had some hard questions to ask her.
The 3 questions of many were…
Why did she settle for the hurt he was causing her? Why did she want to get married? And, last but certainly not least, I asked her where did she see herself in first 5 years of this marriage?
Turns out this 40-year-old woman had dealt with one bad relationship to the next, so there was a LOT of baggage. Seems all the men she allowed in her life ended up leaving her, but after either beating, cheating or using her financially. The woman is not only educated and very successful so the only thing I could deduct was that there had to be hidden low self-esteem issues.
As we talked she asked me a question: Why and how do I keep meeting the same type of man? And, why am I settling for less than what love is supposed to feel like?
My answer to her was simple: She attracts the same kind of man, because she is the same kind of woman out of every relationship. She wishes not to change or to even investigate why she feels an obvious lack of respect inwardly towards herself.
Furthermore, I told her, in each bad relationship you are settling for; it’s not that you keep lowering your standards as to what you will accept…it’s just that your endurance and triumph from bad to worse is making you lower the bar. And, when we lower the bar to our standards anything can happen.
When we begin a workout plan, isn’t it tough at first? But, before you know it as time goes by you realize that that first mile that used to have you winded is now not only a breeze, but has become less challenging. By human nature, we do that with many things. Such as, “Wow, the last guy I was with used to hit me…but the guy I’m with now…yeah he cheats, but never beats me.”
When you think of a challenge in that sense, I’m sure the rationalization sounds absurd, right?
Disrespect is disrespect. Happy is happy and love is love and at the end of the day it will always look and feel the way it really is. If your relationship doesn’t make you feel good…marriage should not even be a question right now. Before I got off the phone with her I was happy to know that she had an AHA moment; not only about herself, but also about allowing herself to settle.
This will not be the only time I speak with her, but I am happy that she will think things through before moving so fast. However, whatever decision she makes; KitKatCoaching will be here for her.
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