Janna Writes: My husband and I have been married almost a year now and after our marriage vows is when I learned that he has a sexual fetish. I didn’t mind so much at first, because it was sexy and something very new to me, so I went with it. But now, after a year in; he still needs to incorporate dominance and punishment into our sex life or he can’t seem to get off if you know what I mean.
During sex, he needs me to tied up and very submissive. He does things to my body that are overwhelmingly satisfying, BUT he wants me to restrain myself from having an orgasm until he clearly sees that I am almost in pain for a sexual release!
The more I suffer to hold back from exploding, the more turned on he gets. Don’t get me wrong…when he’s this way, I have really liked…no more like loved it, but as of late, all I really want is a good old fashion love making session. I’m exhausted!
What should I do?
KitKatCoaching: Hi Jenna, first of all thank you for sharing. The first thing that you need to do is try not to be confusing with him about the situation. Make it clear to him rather or not if you are enjoying this way of sex with him ( it sounds as if you do), so let him know that you appreciate how it makes you feel, but only sometimes. Let him know that you really need a break from his fetish and you’d like to have sex with him on your terms for a change.
Next, communicate with him to find out why is BDSM (bondage/discipline, domination/submission, sadism/masochism) is the only way he can be sexually satisfied. Sure, sex that way can be kinky for couples sometimes, but I can see where it can be very exhausting. A sexual fetish in bed can be healthy as long as it adds to your pleasure for the pleasure of both people in the relationship. However, it is not healthy if you can’t function in bed without the sexual obsession.
The meaning of a sexual fetishism in the Wikipedia encyclopedia is described as:
“Sexual fetishism, or erotic fetishism, is the sexual arousal a person receives from a physical object. The object of interest is called the fetish, the person a fetishist who has a fetish for that object.  Sexual fetishism may be regarded, e.g. in psychiatric medicine, as a disorder of sexual preference or as an enhancing element to a relationship causing a better sexual bond between the partners. The sexual acts involving fetishes are characteristically depersonalized and objectified even when they involve a partner.
Find out how the fetish started with him. Sexual fetishism may stem from many factors, such as: Genetic, environmental and social factors which usually influences a person during childhood and puberty. Psychologists believed that every fetishist and fetish stemmed from thoughts and interests formed during one’s childhood and may even stem from some type of abuse, so it is imperative that you two clearly take the time to understand the reasons why he can only climax through BDSM.
Lastly, while communicating with him, try not to make him feel uncomfortable or like he may have some deep mental issues. Start by state what you’d like sexually and see if he will meet you in the middle. This may not even be a problem at all once you guys talk about it. To help guide an easier flow of communication read my book entitled: Kit Kat’s Coaching Guide (Learning to Protect your Marriage). This will help immensely!
We’d love to keep up with you about this, so please keep us posted as this unfolds!
~ Kat 🙂