Hello and welcome to Tuesday’s Love Jones!
Today we are visiting perpetual attraction in the relationship. Have you ever heard a person say “He/she loves me just the way I am…big or small.” We have heard that here at My Stiletto Dreams and Put A Wedge In it Blogs several times. The statement itself is true. We can still love our mate in a relationship no matter how MUCH someone physically changes, but how the being attracted to them play a part in the overall satisfaction in the relationship.
Last week we had a woman write in for advice and she brought up a very good point. She told us that she loved her husband dearly and that she’d never leave him, but that she was NOT attracted to him and didn’t know what to do about it.
Although we have removed names for the privacy of this client…here is the note:
I am 36 and have been married for 15 years this past January. Of the 15 years I have been slowly losing attraction towards my husband. He keeps gaining weight and does not take care of himself. This has become a serious issue for me, because I take care of myself not just for me, but so that I may still be appealing to him.
His feelings on this subject are not the same as me. He feels that if we both love one another that the attraction should be there constantly and automatically NO MATTER what his appearance is.
When we said our marital vows and got to that “for better or for worse” part I didn’t really know I’d be signing up for this. What can I do….I feel that my options are very limited. [END]
After reading the urgency in this woman’s note, we responded to her quickly by saying that the first thing she needed to do is tell him the depths of how she was feeling. It is never a good idea to hint about relationship issues that are affecting us. Then we told her to not feel guilty about feeling this way. We then asked the woman how her husband looked when they first met. She answered and said that he was very athletic and play football in college.
When they met, he was athletic, toned and energetic and that is what attracted her to him in the first place and now that 15 years have passed, his lack of caring about his appearance made our writer feel disrespected in a way.
Although we told her not to feel guilty for having these VERY natural feelings of becoming un-attracted to her husband for lack of at least trying to keep himself healthy; we also told her that communication is key and that she did the right thing by seeking help instead of acting on the way she was feeling. Many times relationships end for the simplest things that could have prevented if communication was in place.
In any given run of a day we will see the overbearing the superficial standards of what we ought to be attracted to shoved in our faces by television, magazines, and movies. However, none of that means that what your feelings are wrong.
You love your hubs…you just don’t want to make love to him, because let’s face it (HONESTY IS KEY) you are no longer attracted to him and have actually quite frankly become repulsed by his excess weight.
Peradventure, if he were fat when you fell in love with him and you began feeling this way all of a SUDDEN…then yes, we’d suppose it to be your fault or to say the least, a change of heart as far as what you are attracted to, but if that is not the case in your case what can one do about this very real situation?
Things you can do now to help:
- Assure your husband several times every day that you love him just as he is and that you are committed to be with him for life.
- Open your heart and COMMUNICATE how you feel about his weight and even though this is hard…be honest about all the emotions you are feeling.
- Ask him if he’d commit to diet and exercise for you as well as for his own well-being.
- Help him in every way that he will allow.
- Encourage him to seek help if and if needed a personal trainer.
- Offer to make this a team effort by working on this together.
We believe that through honesty and openness, you will bring passion back into your marriage. There are many reasons why people find themselves letting go of their appearances and health…we urge you to find the reasons together and continue to build on your relationship. The official “Kit-Kat Coaching” web page coming this summer!
Have a great Tuesday on purpose