As women, we lack to take REAL responsibility in the wrongs that WE may cause in our relationships and OR marriages. In a LOT of cases, it is NOT JUST the mans fault!
Kelly Price says: “Living in my own world thinking I was a perfect lady!”
Today’s Tuesday’s Love Jones takes a peek in the lives of a couple facing the whoa’s of trying to rebuild a marriage from the stain of infidelity.
Approximately 40% of men seek sexual satisfaction outside their relationships, says a Ph.D., professor of human development at the University of Nevada. That number hasn’t changed much since 1950 and when the famous Kinsey sex study found that 50% of U.S. men cheat at some point in their marriages.
The #1 reason why men cheat is sexual “variety” – men crave sexual variety according to David Buss, professor of psychology at the University.
The couple in subject today is, well, let’s just call them Alex and Bailey. Their privacy is very important to me and we ONLY use client stories as typical examples that may help others. Alex and Bailey’s story is one that we feel needs to be shared, because it is a very typical issue. Alex and Bailey have been married for approximately 5 years. Alex is a stay-at-home-father (they have 3 children) and Bailey is a Principal of a charter school. Bailey is not only the Principal of the charter, but also the overseer of 3 new sites that will be soon added in 2 nearby cities very soon. Of course this project has her very busy, coming home at very late hours and extremely tired.
Alex faces all the duties of getting children to school, PTA meetings, cooking, cleaning and everything else that comes with managing a full time family and he gets tired and frustrated too. He rarely gets sex from his wife and when he does, it is very limited and almost ALWAYS planned. Alex feels taken for granted and Bailey feels unappreciated and within the last year things gotten even worse.
Bailey began sharing her relationship problems with a colleague of her from work instead of communicating with her own husband. One night, Alex and Bailey were arguing and right in the middle of their argument, Bailey blurted out something that was a little difficult for Alex to digest.
Bailey yell, “You are doing just what Peter said you’d do…OMG he was right!” Immediately, Alex said, “Who the %#@* is Peter? You mean the guy you work with Peter? What the %#@* does he know about me?” Bailey had become so heated in the argument that she didn’t even care that she had dropped Peter’s name.
She made no hesitation to go on to say, “Peter told me that you were jealous of my success and that YOU are the main reason why the relationship has become so difficult. He also said that you are purposely neglect me in the marriage, because of the choice that you’ve made to quit your job and do the stay at home thing!”
After hearing all that, Alex just stood silent for a moment. Bailey could clearly see that she had hit all of his anger triggers, but she didn’t care. Alex finally began talking, “Bailey, be honest with me…are you %#@*ing this guy?” Bailey quickly replied, “No! But what does sex have to do with everything else I said? Why must sex always be the only important thing at hand to you?”
Alex goes on to say, “Well, we never have sex…you ain’t giving it to me! You must be getting it from somewhere!!!! Bailey! We have sex once a month…if that! I am dying here and you act like you don’t even notice or care!” Bailey says, “You are dying…really? You? I’m working may @$$ off everyday while you get to stay home with the kids! Do you really think I LIKE being away from my babies? When I come home, I can see how you look at me Alex…you don’t even seem attracted to me, so why would I even TRY to muster up energy (that I don’t have) to have sex with you?”
“Bailey!” Alex says, “If I look at you in a bad way sometimes, I am sorry. You just never pay attention to me, you act as if I am invisible and like life…OUR LIFE is robotic. I real and I have feelings Bailey and I have need too. This marriage in NOT supposed to be centered around JUST you! Now I have something to tell you and you will not like it….been on my mind for weeks.”
Alex told her that he’d cheated on her when he went to visit his brother 2 months before. Alex was sorrowful about it and lived in regret the moment he did it. He told her that he didn’t even enjoy it because of the guilt that came attached with cheating on his wife. Alex went on to tell Bailey that he only did it because he thought she had been cheating ALL along anyway.
Sitting from a relationship coach’s eye’s view, the first thing we will notice as professionals is that there was a LOT of neglect and non-communication going on. Because of the lack of communication, assumptions were easily made concerning the situations in their marriage. After a year of separation, the couple has decided to give their marriage another try and while this will not be easy. It will take effort of both parties to rebuild what was so badly broken.
Trust and communication are the sole foundation of any relationship. Without it, it is impossible to successfully have a happy union.
If Bailey and Alex in any way remind you of your own relationship. My Stiletto Dreams urges you to seek professional help NOW! If you notice any of the signs that something feels wrong in your relationship; the worse thing you can do is ignore it. Alex and Bailey ignored all the signs and now they are found trying to rebuild a fortress that never even needed to be destroyed. Alex is a very attractive, intelligent and loving man and Bailey is a beautiful, ambition and loving woman. There was know real reason why cheating should have taken place in their relationship.
Stop the cheating BEFORE it happen. Our coaching classes at Kit Kat Coaching uses the STOP, DROP and ROLL method. When something is not right; STOP to take notice of the problem. When things are not flowing well in the relationship DROP everything you are doing and take the time to open the lines of COMMUNICATION no matter what! Also, ROLL out a clear view of what you need, want and desire in the relationship. This is a process that Katrina Gurl implements with her clients all the time. It works for them and with effort it can work for you!
Lastly, At My Stiletto Dreams, we would never tell women to blame themselves for being cheated on, BUT we DO urge that if YOU look in the mirror, often times you will see the disconnect long before the cheating occurs!